My car has been in the shop. Looking like several thousand dollars to get it fixed. Just spent a couple thousand on it a few months ago. It’s paid off, so it will be a whole lot cheaper to just fix it and go about my business instead of buying a new one. I’m seriously frustrated with things at the point. I wish I could just ride a bicycle. However, I am too fat and out of shape for that. Moped with a sidecar for the kids, maybe? I dunno.
I’ve been driving the husband’s truck while my car is in the shop, but we noticed on the way home from church Sunday that it was not right, either. He thinks he knows what is wrong with it and the glimmer of hope is that it is still covered under a manufacturer’s warranty. Notice I said, I’ve been driving his truck while mine is out of commission…I’m making my mama come pick me up this morning after I take the boys to school because I don’t even want to drive it anymore. I should probably just walk everywhere. Forget the bicycle or the moped.
Then there’s work. I honestly feel like I am throwing every idea at a giant Velcro wall and hoping they will stick, but they are made of glass and they just bounce off and shatter into a million pieces on the floor below. I sometimes just wonder if it’s even worth trying anymore. I fight algorithms like a UFC fighter only to get TKO’ed with no engagement. Being self employed is not for the faint of heart and I got skin tougher than an elephant…skin so tough that I refuse to give in and have spent most days and nights with my brain in overdrive only to tread ever-rising water. It’s up to my neck right now. I keep telling myself that I made it through COVID…I should be able to make it through this, but it doesn’t look good on paper.
As I sit here typing this out, I feel like I should probably just delete all the whining, type something encouraging about rainbows, but that would be fake…fake as my fingernails clicking against the keys on the keyboard. We’ve become too good at sharing the good, but the bad gets swept under the rug like dust in a teenagers bedroom.
I try to live my life according to the scriptures. I go to church. I read my Bible. I pray. I tithe. I wear the t-shirts. I listen to the music. I write about how wonderful my God is and tell others of His amazing grace.
I do all the “Christian” things.
That stuff doesn’t matter if I am still trying to do everything that bothers me alone.
But, I need rest.
No so much physical rest, but spiritual rest. Who am I kidding…I need physical rest, too.
My soul is so weary from life right now.
I’ve focused on a screen more in the last three weeks than I have focused on my Bible. I have fretted and discussed my problems and situations with myself and everyone else, without even talking to God except for a quick prayer for others and have refused to even listen for Him to guide me. I have checked my bank account more than my attitude and my heart. I try to stay ahead, but I feel like I am literally floating in the ocean without a life vest and my raft has a leak. I’m just scooping out the water with my hands.
No wonder my soul is churning like a tornado through a midwestern cornfield these days. No wonder I’m stressed over every dollar and labored each week to keep my doors open. I’ve thrown my trust out the window and relied on my own abilities…which is kinda like walking on treadmill. I’ve been moving, but have went absolutely nowhere! I am incapable of navigating this season alone. I know that, but I am as stubborn as a mule. A mule on a treadmill.
Matthew 11:28 says:
“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
I just need to come to Jesus. He will take care of the money for this…the money for that…the issue with this one…the issue with that one…the problem over here…the problem over there…
All He says is to COME to Him.
How can I have rest when I haven’t went to Him? I can whine all day, but until I have laid everything at His feet, I will continue to wrestle. I’m tired of wrestling. I’m weak and my opponents are superior. They have the upper hand on me. I’m not saying that God is testing me, but I know He is sitting back and waiting on me to surrender everything to Him that weighs on my shoulders. My opponents don’t have the upper hand on Him.
I just need rest. I need peace. I need calm. I need His presence to flood my soul and comfort me in this moment. Lord, You know I am not capable of doing it all…just remind me of how You have always been there and You will continue to be there, if I will just come to You.
I know You can pull the plug on the treadmill.
l know You got a patch for the raft and a life jacket just my size.
I know You will silence the enemy with one throat punch. I don’t even have to get in the ring.
I’m here, Lord.
